The Definitive Guide to Creative Writing – I

Having written nothing more than occasional FYI emails in the office for the last six months, I’ve decided to advise people on writing. Before you smirk at that, please consider the number of times in the last two weeks that you’ve come across size-zero actresses talking against objectification of women or Rahul Gandhi talking about incompetent leadership.

So, having established that I’m no less qualified to to teach you creative writing than Mamata Banerjee is to teach painting and poetry to children, let’s get to it.

First off, what do you write? Now every other similar guide will tell you to write whatever you want, or even better, to write “what your heart wants to”. Yeah, right. Tell me, you remember that old blog you abandoned a year ago? The one where you wrote straight from the heart and managed 50 pageviews in 4 months? Yes, I’m afraid that shit doesn’t fly too well.

So, what do you write? Easy, you should write something that will get you the greatest possible publicity(never mind positive or negative) in the shortest possible time because let’s face it, that’s the point of everything nowadays. If that isn’t inspiring enough for you, let me give you some examples:

a. 13 reasons Marilyn Monroe was the greatest philosopher of all time.

b. Women are stupid.

c. Why you should teach your kids to hate Muslims.

And so on. You get the drift? You should pick a topic that adequately demonstrates your incredible intellect, and starts a discussion among people possessing an intelligence and capacity for rational thought that matches your own.

Believe me, it shouldn’t be too difficult.

You got all that? Good! Feel free to get started while I go do something useful and enlightening, like google Bruce Jenner. Or is it Caitlyn?

I’ll be back, I promise.



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