Revealed: The Real Cause of Ned Stark’s Death!

Phew, it's hot today. Let's roast a few blokes.

Phew, its so hot today. Let’s roast a few blokes.

A new study has revealed a shocking truth! A group of researchers have conducted a detailed study over the past two years and found irrefutable evidence that there’s a direct relation between the price of Indian Rupee in the market and the amount of clothes on Poonam Pandey‘s body.

No, I’m kidding, of course; and if you didn’t realise that by yourself, then you’ve got another thing coming. Anyway, seriously, I stumbled upon this article a while ago. To save you the trouble and some data usage, a new study has found evidence that extreme weather conditions make people more likely to behave aggressively.

Well, what can I say. Thank you, Einstein. That really is the culmination of all the scientific explorations mankind has undertaken over centuries. I mean, I would never have realised by myself that I’m more likely to be in a bad mood on an exceptionally hot and humid day than on a cool spring evening with a gentle breeze blowing. What about you?

Also, to arrive at this profound conclusion, which is about as scientific as it is philosophical, they analyzed sixty studies of violent incidents like wars, violent crimes, messy baseball pitches and even collapse of empires. Apparently, there was one thing in common between all of them: extreme weather. Now who would have thought of that? I mean, if you are a fellow Game of Thrones fan, do you now realise that Ned Stark actually died of bad weather, and the Lannisters couldn’t really be blamed?

Seriously, what is it about these studies anyway? I mean, how is it that these “new”,”groundbreaking”,”comprehensive” studies always, always come up with conclusions which are either contradictory or obvious or just plain dumb and absurd? Consider the following examples.

Exercise:
a. Exercise is good for your heart. (Like I didn’t know.)
b. Too much exercise is bad for your heart. (I already live  by that code.)

Food & Drinks:
a. Coffee keeps you active and energised. (And awake. Why do you think people drink gallons of it on Mondays?)
b. Too much coffee can disturb your metabolism. (Gee, I don’t know. Tell that to my boss the next time I fall asleep in office, will you?)

Sex:
a. Sex is good for your health. (I knew it! Bring it on!)
b. Too much sex can be bad for your health. (Whatever. Bring it on!)
c. Sex doesn’t really affect your health. (Thank you. Now bring it on!)

You see my point? Why is it that they can never ever come up with something that is a little more original and useful? Or at least a little less obvious?

Like how Pappu didn’t actually go to Harvard, or the fact that Lady Picasso can’t actually paint worth s**t.

Oh brother, I am so going to jail! See ya!

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